I liked all y’all better before I knew every detail of your life.

Biome. That’s the name of the novel I’m working on.

Wish I was a dog. The only worry is literally if you’re gonna drop some delicious crumbs.

Do you really think God is against killing unborn children?

God commanded king Saul to slaughter women, children and infants (1 Sam. 15:3). Surely some of those women were pregnant.

Saul did what God told him to do, only he didn’t slaughter the best cattle. And for that, God removed him as king. But he was perfectly fine with how Saul murdered women, children and infants.

Or what about when Pharaoh decided to let the Israelites go (Exodus 10:1-2) But GOD “hardened” his heart “that you may tell your children and grandchildren how I dealt harshly with the Egyptians.” And then he proceeded to murder the firstborn children of every Egyptian family, which had to include some pregnant women’s children.

So he murdered a bunch of women and infants to settle a centuries-old grudge over activities none of the people he murdered had taken part in, and he also forced a leader to change his his mind so God could show off by murdering a bunch of innocent children and infants.

Sure. God’s horrified by killing babies. You really only want to read the parts of the Bible that agree with your politics.

I have always been bad at keeping in touch. Now that I don’t do anything because I’ve been sheltering in place for TEN MONTHS, I’m even worse at it. Like, what do you say? “Um, hi. Nothing new. Bye.”

Agreements aren’t worth shit. Get it in writing, signed in front of a notary, because people fucking suck. You’re welcome.

Conservative columnist Kevin Dowd:

A word of caution to Fox News: Your not-so-subtle shift leftward is a mistake. You are one of a kind. Watching the quick abdication of Bret Baier and Martha MacCallum following the election (joining an already hostile Chris Wallace) was like finding out my wife was cheating

What he is saying here is that when news anchors he has long trusted to tell him what he wants to hear suddenly tell the truth, it’s a “shift leftward” and imperils Fox News’s position as whisperer to the ears of right-wingers.

Truth is suddenly liberal.

“Oh my god, shut up you fucking pretentious cock.”

I must be browsing Instagram again.

Misanthropy is clearly justified these days

If bathing wasn’t optional, why did God send COVID?

Quite possibly the funniest movie ever made.

View this video at your own risk.

Safety first, amirite?

Honesty is your first thought. Societal training is your second.

Wisdom

If you need to be threatened with hell in order to love your neighbor, you’ll never love anyone but yourself.

Don’t be this guy and make someone listen to 28 notifications when everyone responds.

Bought Axl a saltwater aquarium for Christmas. He wants sea stars because he loves Patrick from Spongebob. I think I’ll also get a few fish and snails for when he gets bored with the sea stars.

So an evangelical on Twitter posted about sex workers, telling them in so many words that God disapproved of them showing their bodies.

She had what looked to be amazing breasts, given that she showed most of them in her profile pic, so I pointed out that God might not be too pleased about her showing so much of her assets, if she was so convinced that God would be upset at sex workers for showing a tiny bit more of theirs.

She reported me to Twitter for “harassment.” And Twitter, which allowed President Trump to say certain political opponents should be murdered, was all too happy to ban me for saying God might not approve of so much cleavage showing.

Which is why I’m here, on micro.blog, because social media has jumped the shark (hit ‘em with the hein!)

My six-year-old: Why’s it called “BUTT-er”?

My dog has sued for a recount on the “Who sleeps in the bed” election. She says she won “by a lot.”